[Discher Trivia]
1. The cheeseburger's birthplace actually belongs to a defunct hamburger shack in Pasadena , CA . In the 1920's Lionel Sternberger was the first person to lay slice of cheese on a meat patty.
2. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver and purple.
3. In Kalamzoo , Mich. someone is stealing parking meters, poles and all. Fifty-seven were stolen in 10 days of this month.
4. After Alfred Nobel's death in 1896 it was found that he left the majority of his vast wealth to the Nobel Foundation. His family members were shocked.
5. When Margaret Mitchell wrote the Pulitzer Prize winning novel, GONE WITH THE WIND, her central female character was first named, Pansy O'Hara. It was later changed to Scarlett O'Hara.
don discher
***Back to top [Only 100 Years Ago]
THE YEAR 1905
Maybe this will boggle your mind, I know it did mine! The year is 1905 one hundred years ago.
What a difference a century makes!
Here are some of the U.S. statistics for 1905:
The average life expectancy in the U.S. was 47 years.
Only 14 percent of the homes in the U.S. had a bathtub.
Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.
There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S. , and only 144 miles of paved roads.
The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
Alabama , Mississippi , Iowa , and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California .
With a mere 1.4 million residents, California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union .
The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower !
The average wage in the U.S. was 22 cents an hour.
The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year.
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year,
a dentist $2,500 per year,
a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year,
and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.
More than 95 percent of all births in the U.S. took place at home.
Ninety percent of all U.S. physicians had no college education.
Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned
in the press and by the government as "substandard."
Sugar cost four cents a pound.
Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.
Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.
Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the country for any reason.
The five leading causes of death in the U.S. were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke
The American flag had 45 stars.
Arizona , Oklahoma , New Mexico , Hawaii , and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.
The population of Las Vegas , Nevada , was 30!!!
Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented.
There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
Two of 10 U.S. adults couldn't read or write.
Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated high school.
Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores.
According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfectguardian of health." (Shocking!)
Eighteen percent of households in the U.S had at least one full-time servant or domestic.
There were only about 230 reported murders in the entire U.S.
Vic Sandoval 7060
***Back to top [More Discher Trivia]
1. The great western author, Zane Grey, started his career as a dentist, which he hated.
2. The famous dancer, Fred Astaire, was engaged when he was offered his first movie roll. His fiancee said that if he went out to Hollywood he'd be meeting beautiful women so she made him marry her before he left. His first film was, Flying Down to Rio .
3. The handsome movie actor, Cary Grant, started his acting career at the age of 14 when he ran away from home, lied about his age and joined a traveling acting group in England .
4. According to the Citizen Council on Public Safety, Mexico City has 15 kidnappings per day. (2005)
5. Edgar Rice Burroughs, the author of the Tarzan books, was at one time a railroad policeman in Salt Lake City , UT.
don discher
***Back to top [ Worms ]
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the minister asked the congregation: ''What can you learn from this demonstration?''
A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke, and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
Don't you just love little old ladies?
Terry Green
tdgreenhere@earthlink.net
***Back to top [Hiss Pit]
This should be read out loud. I dare you to do it with a straight face.
Petey was a snake, only so big. Petey lived in a pit with his mother. One day Petey was hissing in the pit when his mother said, "Petey, don't hiss in the pit, go outside the pit to hiss." So Petey went outside of the pit to hiss. Petey was hissing all around when he finally leaned over and hissed in the pit. Petey's mother heard Petey hissing in the pit and said, "Petey, if you must hiss in a pit, go over to Mrs. Pott's pit and hiss in her pit. Petey went over to Mrs. Pott's pit to hiss in her pit, but Mrs. Pott was not at home so he hissed in her pit anyway. While Petey was hissing in Mrs. Pott's pit Mrs. Pott came home and found Petey hissing in her pit. She said, "Petey, if you must hiss in a pit, don't hiss in my pit; go to your own pit and hiss." This made Petey very sad, and he cried all the way home. When Petey got home, his mother saw him crying and said, "Petey, what's the matter?" Petey said, "I went over to Mrs. Pott's to hiss in her pit but Mrs. Pott was not at home, so I hissed in her pit anyway. Mrs. Pott came home and found me hissing in her pit and said, "Petey, if you must hiss in a pit go to your own pit and hiss, don't hiss in my pit." This made Petey's mother very angry and she said, "Why that mean old Lady! I knew Mrs. Pott when she didn't have a pit to hiss in."
Richard Bowser
***Back to top [Discher Trivia]
1. The Texas Rangers badge was once made from a Mexican Peso..
2. The City of Baltimore had the first paid police dept. in 1784.
3. Ben Saunders was always the last kid picked for school sports. In 2001 he was the youngest person to ski solo to the North Pole.
4. He was no scholar, the kids in school teased him. He preferred making 8mm movies rather than sports and dating. He dropped out of school for awhile. He was denied entrance to a filmmaking school. He showed up at Universal Movie Studio's wearing a dark suit and tie and carrying a briefcase, he just waved to the guard and got in. He even took over a vacant office on his own. The movie Directors knew that he wasn't an employee but they just winked about it. Ten years later he made the highest-grossing movie of all times, JAWS. The man, Steven Spielberg.
5. She could tell such good stories that her husband told her she should write a book. In a 3 to 10 year period she wrote GONE WITH THE WIND which sold millions of copies worldwide and she won numerous awards. The woman, Margaret Mitchell.
6. Had their been computers in ancient Troy they may have received this message on their monitors: "URGENT VIRUS ALERT ! Don't open your city gates for Giant Wooden Horse!"
don discher
***Back to top [Rubbers]
The Back Pew
A preacher went to his congregation to ask for a raise because his wife was expecting a baby. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
These raises began to get expensive after six children, and the congregation held another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.
Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd. "Children are a gift from God," he said. Silence fell on the congregation.
From the back pew, a little old lady stood up and said, in a frail voice, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much, we wear rubbers."
And the congregation said, "Amen."
Jim Lear
***Back to top [Humorous Signs]
Is English Hard to Write?
English Signs Around the World
In a Bangkok temple: "IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN."
Cocktail lounge , Norway : "LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR."
Doctors office, Rome : SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Dry cleaners, Bangkok : DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.
In a Nairobi restaurant: "CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER."
On the main road to Mombasa , leaving Nairobi : TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE."
On a poster at Kencom: "ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP."
In a City restaurant: "OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS."
In a cemetery: "PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES."
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations: "GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED."
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: "OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR."
In a Tokyo bar: "SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS."
Hotel , Yugoslavia : "THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID."
Hotel , Japan : "YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID."
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: "YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY."
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: "IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE."
Hotel, Zurich : "BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE."
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand : "WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?"
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen : "WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS."
A laundry in Rome : "LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME."
***Back to top [Bumper Stickers]
IF YOU CAN'T FEED EM, DON'T BREED EM!"
Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
The Earth Is Full - Go Home.
I Have The Body Of A God - Buddha.
So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
Illiterate? Write For Help.
Honk If Anything Falls Off.
Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.
He Who Hesitates Not Only Is Lost, But is Miles From The Next Exit.
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.
You! Out Of The Gene Pool - Now!
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
(Seen Upside Down On A Jeep)
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back
Over...
Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph
Also Are Timed For 70 mph
Guys: No Shirt, No Service
Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why
Does My
Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
Ax Me About Ebonics.
Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
Boldly Going Nowhere.
Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.
Heart Attacks: God's Revenge
For Eating His Animal Friends
Honk If You've Never Seen
An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down
Before He Admits He is Lost?
GROW YOUR OWN DOPE -- PLANT A
MAN.
All Men Are Animals; Some Just Make
Better Pets.
And Lastly:
"POLITICIANS &DIAPERS BOTH NEED TO
BE CHANGED, AND FOR THE SAME
REASON"
Richard Bowser
***Back to top [Governmentium]
A major research institution has just announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named "Governmentium".
Governmentium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 311. These 311 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over 4 days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical
quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass." When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element which radiates just as much energy since it has 1/2 as many peons but twice as many morons.
Richard Bowser
***Back to top [Social Security]
After retiring, I went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I didn't have my wallet. I told the woman that I was very sorry but I seemed to have left my wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later."
The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt,revealing my curly silver chest hair.
She says, "That silver hair is proof enough for me," and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience. She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You could have gotten disability, too."
Frank Mellott
[Discher Trivia]
1. Leonardo DiVinci only completed 12 drawings in his life.
2. A person who suffers from excessive talkativeness or wordiness (you know
who you are) suffers from LOGORRHEA.
3. During the tomato season 40,000 trucks are on California roads.
4. Your body is creating and killing 15 million red blood cells per second!
don discher
***Back to top [HOW TO STAY YOUNG]
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height.
Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay them.
2. Keep only cheerful friends.
The grouches pull you down. (keep this In mind if you are one of those grouches;)
3. Keep learning:
Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening,
whatever. Never let the brain get idle.
"An idle mind is the devil's workshop."
And the devil's name is Alzheimer's!
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and Lots of time with HIM/HER.
6. The tears happen:
Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourself. LIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love:
Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.
Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health:
If it is good, preserve it.
If it is unstable, improve it.
If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips.
Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity, and mean it!
***Back to top [Not True]
These have made the rounds on the NET. Would anyone really believe that
they are true?
1. An America Airlines flight enroute from Los Angeles to JFK airport in New York City was diverted to Kansas City yesterday when a passenger was noticed attempting to light a fuse protruding from his rectum.
2. After eating roasted lamb meat at a restaurant the girl got very sick, and went to first aid to get her stomach pumped. After analysis of her stomach contents, it was found that the garlic sauce she had eaten contained ten(!) different Quacks of semen, later to be traced to the owner and nine employees at the restaurant.
3. An Alaska Airlines pilot, involved in the investigation of the horrific crash of Alaska An Alaska A has listened to the cockpit voice recorder from the downed plane and he reported that for the last has li of the flight, the wife of the pastor from Monroe, WA, can be heard sharing the Gospel with the passengers over the plane's intercom system.
4. American scientists created AIDS in a laboratory as a weapon to be used on enemies of the United States , and they began testing it on unsuspecting populations in Africa and Haiti , where they lost control of the experiment.
don discher
***Back to top [Dear Lord]
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: "Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.
I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, Set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the checkbook.
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework,
Then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."
***Back to top [The Perfect Dress]
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress! Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused.
"Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day." A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't hav! e another occasion where you could wear it."
Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding!"
***Back to top [Trivia]
1. A bridge in Indonesia is reportedly in danger of collapse because people continually urinate on one of its steel beams.
2. These people were/are all stutterers: Aristotle, Isaac Newton, Marilyn Monroe, Winston Churchill, John Stossel.
3. Unusual High School sports teams nicknames: Dunn High School Earwigs ( Los Olivos , CA ). Yuba City Honkers (CA). Freeport Pretzels ( Illinois ). Cardozo Clerks ( Washington , D.C. ).
4. June 9, 2004: GASTON COUNTY , N.C. -- Gaston County Sheriff's Department Capt. Tony Robinson said officers were responding to a report of an auto-pedestrian hit and run accident when one of the officers accidentally ran over the victim.
don discher
***Back to top [Miscellaneous]
1. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
3. The difference between the Pope and your boss....the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can
10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."
11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.
12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on piece of paper. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."
13. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.
14. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.
Jim Coleman
***Back to top
[OPD Motor "Next Time"]
OPD Motorofficer
Two men were driving through Oakland (94605) when they got pulled over by a Harlye Riden Motor Cop The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick.
The driver rolled down the window and WHACK, the morotcop smacked him in the head with his nightstick. "What the hell was that for?" the driver asked.
"You're in Oakland the home of the "sideshow", son," the motorman answered. "When we pull you over in Oakland ,the home of the "SideShow" you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car."
"I'm sorry, officer," the driver said, "I'm not from around here." The motor officer runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean and gives the guy hislicense back. The motorman then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK", the motormansmacks him on the head with the nightstick.
"What'd you do that for?" the passenger demands. "Just making your wish come true," replied the motorman, again to let you know you are in Oakland son.
"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asked.
"Because I know your type," the motor officer says, "two miles down the road you're gonna turn to your buddy and say, 'I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me!'
***Back to top [ Island Life]
On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the
following people are stranded:
Two Italian men and one Italian woman.
Two French men and one French woman.
Two German men and one German woman.
Two Greek men and one Greek woman.
Two British men and one British woman.
Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman.
Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman.
Two Vietnamese men and one Vietnamese woman.
Two Irish men and one Irish woman.
Two American men and one American woman.
One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman...
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a trois.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping together and the Greek woman is cooking and cleaning for them.
The two British men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the British woman.
The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started
swimming to another island.
The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
The two Vietnamese men have set up a pharmacy, liquor store, restaurant, and laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.
The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and setup a
distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few liters of coconut whiskey. However, they're satisfied because the English aren't having any fun.
The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn't they bring a damn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this God-forsaken deserted island in the middle of freaking nowhere so she can get her hair and nails done and go shopping.
Regards, and Happy 940, bob platt
***Back to top
["If"]
Inner Strength
If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you when,
through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can do all these things,
Then you are probably the family dog.
Regards, Bob Platt
***Back to top [Speak About Women]
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "FULL-BREASTED AMERICAN"
2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is"VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE"
3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE"
4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY"
5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION"
6. She is not an"AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED"
7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED"
8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED"
9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE"
10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED"
11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR"
12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER"
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID-GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY"
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN"
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS"
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION"
5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS"
6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL"
7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION"
8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY"
9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED"
10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED"
11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE"
Regards, Bob Platt
***Back to top [Lord Grants A Wish]
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried hard to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Okay, how about building a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over and play golf any time I want?"
The Lord replied, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required would have to reach the bottom of the Pacific!
The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honour and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside; what she's thinking when she gives me the silent
treatment; why she cries; what she means when she says nothing's wrong; and how to make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
***Back to top [ANNUAL NEOLOGISM CONTEST]
Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
And the winners are:
1. Coffee (n.): the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.): appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.): to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.): to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy~nilly (adj.): impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.): describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.): to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.): olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.): emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.): a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.): a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.): the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n): a Rastafarian proctologist. ~~~~~~
14. Oyster (n.): a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish~isms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.): an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
Boudreaux & Thibodeaux got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.
They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose. The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours." Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few moments after take-off. Climbing out of the wreck Boudreaux asked Thibodeaux, "Any idea where we are?"
"Yea, I think we's pretty close to where we crashed last year."
don discher
***Back to top ******
It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Eileen was topping the bill People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do her stuff.
As the Amazing Eileen took to the stage, she announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member ! Of the audience. "The excitement was almost electric as the Amazing Eileen withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from her coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
She began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...."The! crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"Crap" said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.
____________________________________________________
Ken Paulson 6750P
OPD Helicopter Unit- RETIRED
***Back to top ******
ALLIGATOR WARNING
Due to the extreme drought in Florida , the following
caution was issued:
The Florida Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers,
hunters, fishers, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators while in Bay, Seminole, Osceola, Polk, Brevard and Orange Counties .
They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the alligators unexpectedly.
They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with an alligator.
It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity.
People should recognize the difference between small young alligator and large adult alligator droppings.
Young alligator droppings are smaller and contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers. Adult alligators droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.
don discher
***Back to top
******
Submitted by Frank Mellott...
Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in New York to talk about the
world. After her talk, she has a "question and answer" period. One little boy raises his hand and the Senator asks him for his name.
"Kenneth."
"And what is your question, Kenneth?"
"I have three questions: First, whatever happened to your medical health care plan? Second, why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? And third, whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"
Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the children that they will continue after recess. When they resume Hillary says, "Okay where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"
A different little boy puts his hand up. Hillary points to him and asks him for his name.
"Larry."
"And what is your question, Larry?"
"I have five questions: First, whatever happened to your medical health care plan? Second,why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? Third, whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House? Fourth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And fifth, what the hell happened to Kenneth?
***Back to top ******
Twelve priests were about to be ordained. ? The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude models danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie and they were told
that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.
Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. He bent over to pick it up......Then all the other bells started to ring.
***Back to top
[Valuable scientific data.]
The following are two proposed additions to the periodic table of elements
(from chemistry class):
Element name: woman
Symbol: WO
Atomic weight: (don't even go there)
Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts when treated properly. Very bitter if mishandled.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Volatile when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a shinier specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of
wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
Element name: man
Symbol: XY
Atomic weight: (180 +/-50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good source of methane. Good specimens are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.
Enjoy, Chris HADDAD
***Back to top [Get packed. won lottery]
Woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, "John, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband says, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she says. "Just get the hell out."
[Blonde w/Tailpipe]
From: platteaux@aol.com
Subject: [openline] Removing Dents
Date: Wed, 18 May 2005 12:47:55 EDT
A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some un. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing? The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said,"Uh, like Hello, you have to roll up the windows first."
Regards, sans acrimony, Bob Platt
***Back to top [WORDS AND THINGS THAT WERE ONCE COMMON:]
Supper (now people tend to day dinner).
Percolator (now it's drip coffee maker)
In a family way (one never said, pregnant).
Going out to the coast (referring to the west coast).
Tailor made (cigarettes already rolled & in a package).
Foot feed (instead of automobile accelerator)
Victrola (instead of CD player)
Tinfoil (instead of aluminum foil).
Drop kick (instead of someone holding the football before being kicked)
Scarlet Woman (instead of slut, etc.).
Four bits (instead of half dollar).
Curb feelers (wires that attached to your car that reminded you that you
were getting too close to a curb).
Isinglass (instead of flexible plastic sheets)
How many more can you come up with?
Bucket of suds (instead of a bottle of beer)
don discher
***Back to top
[Bush Letter]
My Fellow Americans:
As you all know, the defeat of Iraq regime has been completed.
Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq
is now complete.
This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq .
This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now to begin the reckoning.
Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by
our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short. The United Kingdom , Spain , Bulgaria ,
Australia , and Poland are some of the countries listed there.
The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that
list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.
Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war.
The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world Hell-holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.
Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France .
In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home. On that note, a word friends from the face of the earth.
Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France , or maybe China .
To Israel and the Palestinian Authority. Yo, boys. Work out a peace deal now. Just note that Camp David is closed. Maybe all of you can go to Russia for negotiations. They have some great palaces there. Big tables, too. I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France , Germany , and Russia . Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis.
I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or w atch your precious Benzes, Beamers, and limos be
turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York .
A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pi ssing us off for a change.
Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put em? Yep, border security. So start doing something with your oil.
Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty - starting now.
We are tired of the one-way highway.
It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse
us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, "darn tootin."
Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America . It is time to eliminate homelessness in America . It is time to eliminate World Cup Soccer from America . To the
nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks guys. We owe you and we won't forget.
To the nations on List 2, a final thought. Drop dead.
God bless America .
Thank you and good night.
If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in
English, thank a soldier.
***Back to top [A Policeman's Final Judgment]
The policeman stood and faced God.
Which must always come to pass,
He Hoped his shoes were shining,
Just as brightly as his brass.
"Step forward now patrolman how shall I deal with you."
"Have you always turned the other cheek?"
"To my church have you been true?"
The policemen squared his shoulders and said.
"No Lord I guess I ain't, cause those of us that
carry badges can't always be a saint."
"I've had to work on Sundays, and at times the talk was rough,
And sometimes, I've been violent, cause the streets are awfully tough."
"But I never took a penny that wasn't mine to keep.
I worked a lot of overtime, when the bills just got too steep.
I never passed a cry for help, though at times I shook with fear.
And sometimes God forgive me, I've wept unmanly tears.
I know I don't deserve a place, among the people here.
They never wanted me around, except to calm their fear.
But if you've a place for me up here Lord, it needn't be so grand.
I never expected or had too much, so if you don't I'll understand."
There was silence all around the throne, where saints have often trod.
The policemen waited quietly, for the judgment day of God.
"Step forward now policemen, You've borne you burdens well."
Come walk a beat on Heavens streets, you've done you time in hell."
***Back to top
[Golf]
17. How a grown man can justify going out in public dressed as a pimp claiming "exercise".
jim c
platteaux@aol.com wrote:
I forward the following to enhance whatever golf may be enjoyed by those of
you who will travel to far off Sparks to the OPD940 event. I post this
without ill will, bad feelings or acrimony of any sort and in hopes that my Friday
luncheon with friends will produce a mild if not debilitating buzz. Best
wishes, Bob Platt
1st Truly Useful Golf Book.
Essential Chapters Include:
1. 'How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt'.
2. 'How to Hit a Strata from the Rough When You Hit a Titleist Off the Tee'.
3. 'How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in the Bunker'.
4. 'How to Get More Distance Off the Shank'.
5. 'When to Give the Ranger the Finger'.
6. 'Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings'.
7. 'Crying..... & How to Deal With It'.
8. 'Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 10 A.M.'.
9. 'How to Rationalize a 6-Hour Round'.
10. 'How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water'.
11. 'Why Your Spouse Doesn't Care That You Birdied the 5th'.
12. 'How to Let a Foursome Play Through Your Twosome Without Getting
Embarrassed'.
13. 'How to Relax When You Are Hitting 3 Off the Tee'.
14. 'When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent'.
15. 'Re-gripping Your Ball Retriever'.
16. 'Simple Frustration' - When a Putter Makes a Good Driver and putter..
***Back to top
[Friends]
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step only to discover that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.
Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more again but was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends
Respectfully submitted...
Ken Paulson 6750P
OPD Helicopter Unit- RETIRED
***Back to top
[Happy Mother's Day]
sweeney
1. My mother taught me to APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just cleaned."
2. My mother taught me about RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle
of next week!"
4. My mother taught me about LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me about FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
6. My mother taught me about IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
7. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
8. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks like a tornado went through it."
9. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
10. My mother taught me about the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
11. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
12. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of children in this world who don't have
wonderful parents like you do."
13. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
14. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
15. My mother taught me about MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they'll freeze that way."
16. My mother taught me about ESP.
"Put your sweater on. I know you'll be cold."
17. My mother taught me about HUMOR.
"When that lawnmower cuts off your toes, don't come
running to me."
18. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
19. My mother taught me about GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
20. My mother taught me about WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
***Back to top
[Application To Date My Daughter]
APPLICATION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, history, lineage, recent FBI background check, psychiatric evaluation, and updated medical report from your doctor.
- NAME:_________________________________DATE OF BIRTH:_____________________
- HEIGHT:___________ WEIGHT:____________ I.Q.__________ GPA____________
- SOCIAL SECURITY#_________________________________________________________
DRIVERS LICENSE#_________________________________________________________
BOY SCOUT RANK:__________________________________________________________
- HOME ADDRESS:____________________________________________________________
CITY/STATE_________________________________________ ZIP_________________
- Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent? _______ yes? _______ no?
- Number of years parents married:_________________________________________
- Do you own a van? _________ A truck with oversized tires? __________
A waterbed? _________ Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly ring?_______________ Tatoo?_______________
(IF YES TO ANY OF THESE QUESTIONS, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE THE PREMISES)
- In 50 words or less, what does DO NOT TOUCH MY DAUGHTER MEAN TO YOU? _________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________
- In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you?
_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________
- . In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you? _________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________
- Congregation you attend:_______________________________________________
How often do you attend?_________________________________________________
When would it the best time to interview your father, mother, relatives, neighbors, minister/rabbi/priest, and past girlfriends?
(supply phone numbers)___________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________
- What do you want to be IF you grow up? __________________________________
ANSWER THESE SEMI-CONFIDENTIAL QUESTIONS
BY FILLING IN THE BLANKS.
- "If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want to be wounded is _________________________________________________________________________
- "If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my ______________ _________________________________________________________________________
- "A woman's place is in the ______________________________________________
- "The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is _________ _________________________________________________________________________
- "When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her is ______________ _________________________________________________________________________
(NOTE: If the answer to #E begins with "T" or "A", discontinue and it is advised that you leave the premises right now keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion.)
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE, UNDER THE PENALTY OF A SLOW DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, SOLDIER ANT TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS DRIPPING WATER TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, AND THE JANET RENO KISS TORTURE.
____________________________________________
SIGNATURE (That means your name, moron!)
Thank you for your interest in my daughter. Please allow four to six years for processing. Don't call us, we'll call you. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, anyway). Any attempt to make contact might cause you injury. If your application is rejected, two gentlemen with violin cases and cement shoes will notify you - one size fits all.
***Back to top
[Guess I Must Be A Redneck After All]
From: "Edward Holmes" <hondo@shasta.com>
Subject: [openline] FW: Guess I must be a "Redneck" after all!
Date: Wed, 4 May 2005 20:56:33 -0700
REDNECKS....
We've all enjoyed the redneck jokes for years. It's time to take a reflective look at the core beliefs of a culture that values home, family, country and God. If I had to stand before a dozen terrorists who threaten my life, I'd choose a half dozen or so rednecks to back me up. Tire irons, squirrel guns and grit -- that's what rednecks are made of. I hope I am one of those. If you feel the same, pass this on to your redneck friends. Ya'll know who ya' are...
You might be a redneck if: It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, "One nation, under God."
You might be a redneck if: You've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places.
You might be a redneck if: You still say "Christmas" instead of "Winter Festival."
You might be a redneck if: You bow your head when someone prays.
You might be a redneck if: You stand, remove your hat and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem. Chills up the back and moist eyes are common.
You might be a redneck if: You treat Viet Nam vets with great respect....and always have.
You might be a redneck if: You've never burned an American flag.
You might be a redneck if: You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening.
you might be a redneck if: You respect your elders and expect your kids to do the same.
You might be a redneck if: You'd give your last dollar to a friend. If you got this email from me, it is because I believe that you, like me, have enough Red Neck in you to have the same beliefs as those talked about in this email.
God Bless the USA and the Rednecks within!
***Back to top
[Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder]
Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.
. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.
. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the can is full.
. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first.
. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
. I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left.
. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.
. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
. As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.
. I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
. Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed,
the bills aren't paid,
there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only one check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
. Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.
. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
. Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!
GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY. GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL. LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC
***Back to top ******************************************************************
[To All Commands: Inappropriate T-Shirts]
To: All Commands Subject: Inappropriate T-Shirts
Ref: ComMidEastFor Inst 16134//24 K
1. All commanders promulgate upon receipt
2. The following T-shirts are no longer to be worn on or off base by any military or civilian personnel serving in the Middle East :
"Eat Pork Or Die" [both English and Arabic versions]
"Shrine Busters" [Various. Show burning minarets or bomb/artillery shells impacting Islamic shrines. Some with unit logos.]
Calvin cartoon figure urinating on the Koran.
"Napalm, Sticks Like Crazy" [Both English and Arabic versions]
"Goat- it isn't just for breakfast any more." [Both English and Arabic versions]
"The road to Paradise begins with me." [Mostly Arabic versions but some in English. Some show cross-hairs from sniper scope.]
"Guns don't kill people. I kill people." [Both Arabic and English versions]
"Pork. The other white meat.' [Arabic version]
"Infidel" [English, Arabic and other coalition force languages.]
3. The above T-shirts are to be removed from Post Exchanges upon receipt of this directive.
4. The following signs are to be removed upon receipt of this message:
"For Sale . Iraqi Government Rifles. Never Fired, only dropped once."
"Islamic Religious Services Will Be Held at the Firing Range At 0800 Daily."
"Do we really need 'smart bombs' to drop on these dumb bastards?"
5. All commands are instructed to implement sensitivity training upon receipt.
***Back to top ****************
[Patient Sex]
From: Don Miller <dmiller@jfku.edu
Date: Sun, 1 May 2005 23:15:11 -0700 (PDT)
One day, unable to resist, Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."
But invariably another quiet little voice would keep intruding on his thoughts:
whispering..............
whispering............
whispering..............
"But Dave, you're a veterinarian...
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[Difficult to Say When Drunk]
Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk.
a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon
Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk . .
a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiation
Things that are DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...
a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more drinks for me, I've reached my limit.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) Please take the shooters back, let's have water.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have zero coordination.
I) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.
k) Look, it would be great to have a f**k but I hardly know you and we will only feel really embarrassed and awkward in the morning.
l) That guy is looking at my girlfriend but I am sure its just because he knows her or something.
m) That chair looks wobbly and dangerous and I certainly wouldn't try balancing on it, with this short skirt on, in case I fall off.
n) I must get to my bed as I could never really sleep well in that hedge
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[Old Men think fast]
An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large
farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice;
picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and
peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed
up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to
the pond, as he hadn't >been there for a while, and
look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to
bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting
and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young
women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women
aware of his presence and they all went to the deep
end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming
out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to
watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of
the pond naked.
"Holding the bucket up he >said, "I'm here to feed
the alligator."
Moral: Old men can still think fast.
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[Remember When?]
ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 50's, 60's and 70's !!
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while
they carried us.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't
get tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored
lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when
we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took
hitchhiking.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle. We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soda pop with sugar
in it, but we weren't overweight because
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were
back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride
down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the
bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all,
no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell
phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat
rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
lawsuits from these accidents.
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in
us forever.
We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or
rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't
had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.
They actually sided with the law!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers
and inventors ever!
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned
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[WD-40!WD-40!]
The product began from a search for a rust preventative solvent and
degreaser to protect missile parts. WD-40 was created in 1953 by three technicians at the
San Diego Rocket Chemical Company. Its name comes from the project that was to
find a "water displacement" compound. They were successful with the fortieth
formulation, thus WD-40. The Corvair Company bought it in bulk to protect
their Atlas missile parts. The workers were so pleased with the product, they
began smuggling (also known as "shrinkage" or "stealing") it out to use at home.
The executives decided there might be a consumer market for it and put it in
aerosol cans. The rest, as they say, is history. It is a careful ly guarded recipe known only to four people. Only one of them is the "brew master." There are about 2.5 million gallons of the stuff manufactured each year. It gets it's
distinctive smell from a fragrance that is added to the brew. Ken East (one of the original founders) says there is nothing in WD-40 that would hurt you.
Here are some of the uses: When you read the "shower door" part, try it. It
is the first thing that has ever cleaned that spotty shower door. If yours is
plastic, it works just as well as glass. It's a miracle!
Then try it on your stovetop ... Viola! It's now shinier than it's ever been
You'll be amazed.
Protects silver from tarnishing.
Cleans and lubricates guitar strings.
Gives floors that 'just-waxed' sheen without making it slippery.
Keeps flies off cows.
Restores and cleans chalkboards.
Removes lipstick stains.
Loosens stubborn zippers.
Untangles jewelry chains.
Removes stains from stainless steel sinks.
Removes dirt and grime from the barbecue grill.
Keeps ceramic/terra cotta garden pots from oxidizing.
Removes tomato stains ! from clothing.
Keeps glass shower doors free of water spots.
Camouflages scratches in ceramic and marble floors.
Keeps scissors working smoothly.
Lubricates noisy door hinges on vehicles and doors in homes.
Gives a children's play gym slide a shine for a super fast slide.
Lubricates gear shift and mower deck lever for ease of handling on riding
mowers.
Rids kids rocking chairs and swings of squeaky noises.
Lubricates tracks in sticking home windows and makes them easier to open.
Spraying an umbrella stem makes it easier to open and close.
Restores and cleans padded leather dashboards in vehicles, as well as vinyl bumpers.
Restores and cleans roof racks on vehicles.
Lubricates and stops squeaks in electric fans.
Lubricates wheel sprockets on tricycles, wagons, and bicycles for easy handling.
Lubricates fan belts on washers and dryers and keeps them running smoothly.
Keeps rust from forming on saws and saw blades, and other tools.
Removes splattered grease on stove.
Keeps bathroom mirror from fogging.
Lubricates prosthetic limbs.
Keeps pigeons off the balcony (they hate the smell).
Removes all traces of duct tape.
Folks even spray it on their arms, hands, and knees to relieve arthritis pain.
Florida 's favorite use is: "cleans and removes love bugs from grills and bumpers."
The favorite use in the state of New York -- WD-40 protects the Statue of Liberty from the elements.
WD-40 attracts fish. Spray a LITTLE on live bait or lures and you will be catching the big one in no time. Also, it's a lot cheaper than the chemical attractants that are made for just that purpose. Keep in mind though, using some chemical laced baits or lures for fishing are not allowed in some states.
Use it for fire ant bites. It takes the sting away immediately and stops the itch.
WD-40 is great for removing crayon from walls. Spray on the mark and wipe with a clean rag.
Also, if you've discovered that your teenage daughter has washed and dried a tube of lipstick with a load of laundry, saturate the lipstick spots with WD-40 and re-wash. Presto! Lipstick is gone!
If you sprayed WD-40 on the distributor cap, it would displace the moisture and allow the car to start.
WD-40, long known for its ability to remove left-over tape mung (sticky label tape), is also a lovely perfume and air freshener! Sprayed liberally on every hinge in the house, it leaves that distinctive clean fresh scent for up to two days!
It removes black scuff marks from the kitchen floor! Use WD-40 for those nastytar and scuff marks on flooring. It doesn't seem to harm the finish and youwon't have to scrub nearly as hard to get them off. Just remember to open somewindows if you have a lot of marks. Bug guts will eat away the finish on your car if not removed quickly! Use WD-40!
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[Two Women at Golf]
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in
horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men
playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men, and he
immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to
the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman
rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.
"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I
know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told
him.
"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few
minutes," the man replied, still in pain, in the fetal
position, still clasping his hands together in his groin.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,
she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside. She began
to massage him. She then asked, "How does that feel?"
He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts
like hell."
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************************************************
[Charlie Schultz Philosophy]
From: Daveymc29@aol.com
Date: Wed, 20 Apr 2005 20:02:04 EDT
The following is the philosophy of Charles Schultz, the creator of the "Peanuts" comic strip.
You don't have to actually answer the questions. Just read the e-mail straight through, and you'll get the point.
1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America contest.
4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.
5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and actress.
6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.
How did you do?
The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday.
These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields.
But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten.
Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.
Here's a! nother quiz. See how you do on this one:
1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.
4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.
5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.
6. Name half a dozen heroes whose stories have inspired you.
Easier?
The lesson:
The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the
most credentials, the most money, or the most awards.
They are the ones that care.
"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today.
It's already tomorrow in Australia ."
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[ 5yr Old and Minister]
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with
his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and
said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa
went to heaven?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom
and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and
the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started
adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door,
and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello, son is
your Grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her
boyfriend."
The minister fainted.
Some Rainy Day Humor,
Richard Bowser
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[OPD Water Ballet]
From: "Ron Oz"
Since we have The Poolside Terrace banquet Room, it seems that Captain Ford has put together a little show as entertainment.
Captain Ford, Captain Lewis, Captain Perrodin, Captain Clark, Chief Gain, and Chief Hart are apparently signed up and will perform a Command Officer Synchronized Water Ballet.
Captain Ford advises that those members, and any other qualified volunteers, meet one half hour before the event in front of the Ladies Room. OPD spandex briefs will be provided.
Captain Ford, Captain Lewis, Captain Perrodin, Captain Clark, Chief Gain,
>and Chief Hart are apparently signed up and will perform a Command Officer
>Synchronized Water Ballet???
>My wife and I regret that we will not be able to attend the reunion...there
>are some things even a trial lawyer can not abide. Oh hell, guess I'll be
>there, just to record the event for the next Recruit Academy Ethics Class
>discussion on "Cops and alcohol abuse".
>Joe Thomas/6733
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From: "Ron Oz"
All Perrodin is announcing that Tom Donohue will join Captain Ford's Water Ballet Team, starting off with a 40 foot swan dive. Donohue insists on wearing only an OPD patch. >
From: al perrodin <captalp@yahoo.com
i refuse unless Tom Donohue is involved, he should at least be able to float---
DONDISC2@aol.com
Captain Ford, Captain Lewis, Captain Perrodin, Captain Clark, Chief Gain, and Chief Hart are apparently signed up and will perform a Command Officer Synchronized Water Ballet.
This brings to mind they type of Sea Critter each of the above would most likely be compared too:
Ford: Spouting Whale
Lewis: Salmon
Perrodin: Dolphin
Clark : Orca
Gain: Shark
Hart: Manatee
don "Minnow" discher
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[Child Support]
: FW: Child Support
When someone puts in for Child Support, the proper thing is to do is
find out who the father is and see why he is not providing support.
Unbelievably, the following are all replies that Dallas women have
written on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing
father's details. These are supposedly genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check out number 10...........it takes the prize and #3 is runner up.
1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was
fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.
2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was
being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was
conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.
4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.
5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am
awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception
was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.
6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that
to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic
implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.
7. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time....well I don't have a clue.
8. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney
World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom .
9. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive , mine might have remained unfertilized.
10. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.
don discher
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